


Hermes (En)

by Wrynn



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek - Various Authors, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst, M/M, Romance, Science Fiction
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-18 09:41:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29116170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wrynn/pseuds/Wrynn
Summary: The USS Enterprise resumes its mission of exploration in space. One year after the betrayal of Admiral Marcus and the revenge of Khan, Jim Kirk still finds it hard to live with what happened. While his loved ones try their best to help him, they are far from imagining what awaits them in the vastness of space, and that the past is not always as far away as one might think. Jim will have to face his biggest mistakes. Will Spock help him cover his tracks again? Will Jim keep his Captain status? And most importantly, will Hermes be his loss, or his salvation?
Relationships: Christine Chapel/Leonard "Bones" McCoy, James T. Kirk/Spock, Spirk - Relationship
Comments: 5
Kudos: 12





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> It's a translation of my own writing in french. Please, tell me if you find some mistakes.  
> Have a nice reading ;)

# Prologue

* * *

Jim was running to blow out his lungs. What kind of trouble had they gotten themselves into again?! He was running straight ahead without even seeing where he was stepping. The ceiling of the cave was collapsing on top of him and he clearly didn't have time to observe the landscape any longer. For what there was to see. He was blessing the phosphorescent foam deposit to light it a minimum, preventing him from running straight against a wall.

He rushed against one of them when a huge rock fell right on his position. He spontaneously dropped his communicator, which fell to the ground in the middle of the rain of rocks.

"Shit! "

He jumped on it to retrieve it and resumed his run, activating his communicator.

"Kirk to Enterprise ! Did the shuttle manage to take off ? "

Jim stumbled on a rock and spread out on the steep ground. This time, he held his communicator firmly in his hand. The communicator activated again as he got up and started running again.

« **Captain, they've managed to get away; we're trying to lock your position to beam you on board, but there's too much interference.** »

Spock had only confirmed his fears. He could see the end of the cave. Another hundred or so meters. Behind him, a second explosion caused a greater tremor throughout the cave. The horizon of light in front of him became blocked. He hesitated for less than a second: noticing an opening under a rock, he entered it without even thinking about a chance to get out.

He crawled several meters, suffocating with dust and the small space of his passage. Then, at last, he saw the light. The passage was too narrow. He had to force his way out. He leaned on the rock and pulled himself out, screaming under the effort and pain. He almost suffocated in panic for fear of getting stuck.

« **Captain, the density of the environment seems to prevent optimal locking of your signal, you should move away from the crash site.** »

Jim shouted under the effort.

"No shit ! "he let go, knowing that no one would hear him.

He pulled, to get his pelvis through, and finally, the legs followed, in a real cry of relief. Without further ado, he got up and walked away from the area, rushing towards the path cleared by the crash of the Cardassian ship.

"Beam me up ! "

His order sounded more like a cry of despair. Jim continued to run straight ahead as the ground was gradually collapsing.

"Hurry ! "

Jim's left foot sank into the void. He was falling. Just as the sparks of the teleportation surrounded him.

Jim spread out on the receiving plate of the teleporters with his head forward, his nose acting as a shock absorber in a significant "crack". So did his cry of pain.

"Jim ! Well, you have a knack for landing gracefully every time! "

The Captain of the Enterprise glanced blackly at his Chief Medical Officer as he sat back, holding his nose as blood flowed abundantly. Bones pointed his tricorder at him and Jim immediately turned his gaze to Spock, who had just arrived.

"Did Flemmings and his crew get back on board? Ouch! "

Bones had just stuck a hypospray in his arm. Spock replied immediately.

"They're all safe on board and have no injuries to report. Unlike you. "

Jim was clearly not in the mood for that kind of "fact" from his first mate. Bones put a light in front of his eyes that blinded him and made his anger rise a little more.

"It's all right, I'm fine! I just broke my nose! "

Bones pulled the light out but made a grimace.

"No, It's not all right! You're badly injured and I need to take a closer look at your wounds! "

Jim didn't have time to protest. He was grabbed by the arm and dragged through the hallways by Bones, who directed them to the infirmary, watching his ribs and hips. Now that the adrenaline was flowing back down, Jim actually felt a painful tingling in places.

The doctor forced him to sit down and, armed with another hypospray, injected one of those products that Kirk was completely unaware of. Bones lifted the ruins of his yellow uniform, making Jim wince. Now he was starting to feel the pain, and his head was spinning. Christine passed by in a gust of wind, giving him two wicks with coagulant properties that he flicked into each nostril.

"I guess the mission was a failure. "

Jim made no secret of his annoyance when he turned to Spock.

"Brilliant observation, Mr. Spock. It was in your statistics, I'll grant you that. And now I'm going to have to inform Admiral Aaya Na'er that we were unable to retrieve the damn black box or download its contents! "

Jim closed his eyes for a moment, aware that he was getting upset for nothing.

"My apologies, Captain. I didn't mean to hurt you in any way. "

The blonde turned his head towards Spock, softening up.

"I'm the one who's sorry, Spock. I shouldn't have answered you like that. "

Jim was well aware that Spock was in the infirmary not to worry about the mission, but to see how he was doing.

He held a sigh. Since they had resumed their expedition after the betrayal of Admiral Marcus a year ago, Spock had changed his attitude towards him. He had become more present, although he was still the same stuck ice cube. Sometimes Jim couldn't decide whether it was a sign of friendship or just a second in command who feared his captain's follies.

Jim grinned as Bones applied a regenerating bandage to his ribs.

"I don't know how you did that to yourself, but it cut you pretty deep. "

Jim shrugged.

"Crawling out, probably. Their rock was pretty sharp. "

Spock nodded his head.

"It looked volcanic in nature. "

Jim nodded his head too, in agreement with Spock.

"Okay, I'm done. Jim, come back tomorrow for a complete check-up and then rest! Your data indicates that you're seriously starting to get exhausted! "

Jim straightened up and removed the wicks from his nose.

"You've already told me, Bones, I'm telling you that it will pass in a few days! "

He threw the wicks away and headed for the exit. Bones shouted behind him:

"You told me that last week and the week before that! "

The doors closed just afterwards. Jim was already in the corridor, heading towards the turbolift, Spock following him like his shadow. Spock was trying to call out to him, but Jim ignored him, knowing full well what Spock was going to say. That Bones was right, that he had to listen to him, that it could go wrong, etc. He knew all the vulcan morality speeches by heart. He entered the turbolift.

"Captain, Dr. McCoy is right. You should consider taking some time off-"

Jim cut it by raising his hand.

"My health is my business, Commander. I manage. End of discussion. "

He clenched his teeth and stared at the turbolift doors, impatiently waiting for them to open. Spock didn't add another word. Good for him. Jim wasn't in the mood.

"Captain on the bridge. "

Kirk took his seat in his command chair and looked at his first pilot:

"Throttle up, Mr. Sulu! We're getting out of here! Get back on course to our original destination."

The Asian nodded his head and started the maneuver.

"Yes, Captain. "

Kirk waited for them to go to warp before turning to Spock:

"I'll let you take over the watch. I will contact the Admiral from my quarters. "

Spock nodded his head and they swapped places.

When the turbolift doors closed and he was alone, Jim let out a deep sigh. What a shitty situation. He ran one hand through his hair, feeling the exhaustion fall back on his tense shoulders. He stepped out of the turbolift, walking through the pristine white corridors of the Enterprise more out of automatism than anything else.

He dialed his identification code and entered his quarters. He took a glass of water and swallowed it in one gulp and headed to his bathroom. His uniform was ruined, torn and stained with blood everywhere, blackened by dust and ashes. One less uniform, for a change.

He undressed completely and turned on his shower. Bones' bandages would hold without a problem. He put his forehead against the wall, closing his eyes to try to relax his muscles under the hot water. He had to sum up the situation to know exactly what he had to say.

As they set course for a little-known nebula at the edge of Federation space, Kirk received an order from Admiral Aaya Na'er to carry out an emergency mission. As the Enterprise was the only Federation ship in the area, Jim had no choice but to obey and set aside his mission of exploration.

From what the Admiral had told him, a Galor-class ship of the Cardassian Union had crashed on a planetoid not far from their course. It had then become vital for the Federation to go on the spot to recover a maximum of data which the ship contained, in particular to recover their black box. Such a ship represented a real gold mine of information.

The idea was then to arrive on the scene of the crash, to recover the black box and to leave without being spotted. It was simple. A round trip. What they hadn't foreseen was the planetoid's topographical data, which was catastrophic. Getting there was far too dangerous, and Spock had strongly opposed it, Scotty too, and Jim had no choice but to try.

So with a security team, he went. The Cardassian ship, although badly damaged, had a hull much stronger than the ground and had sunk several hundred meters under the rock. Jim had landed their shuttle outside and they went there, trying to reach the ship through the galleries dug naturally in the rock. They had barely set foot aboard the ship when everything began to shake.

Just thinking about it made Jim shudder. The few Cardassians who had miraculously survived the crash had trapped their ship. The chain reaction had been violent. Jim had tried to stop the reactor's operation via the control panels when he ordered his crew to go ahead and flee. He had failed. He did not read Cardassian very well, and his computer and flying skills had been of no help to him.

So he had run away as well. Result : he had almost died, that of his team and the ship had gone in pieces, buried under tons of stone. The plan had been flawed from the start, but the hierarchy might not have the same opinion.

Jim turned off the water and got out of the shower. He was exhausted. Morally, psychologically, physically. Especially physically. He was having a hard time keeping up with the pace and this little outdoor getaway had pushed him over the edge. He let his gaze get lost on his reflection. The image he saw was not pleasant. His complexion was paler than usual, his features were drawn and large dark circles adorned the underside of his eyes. Not to mention his broken nose, which was still colored despite Bones' regenerative treatments.

He dressed wearily and prepared to make the call that was sure to displease him. His caller answered after a few seconds.

« **Captain Kirk. How did the mission go?** »

Jim crossed his arms in front of the projected face of the alpha trill.

"Admiral, the mission proved to be a failure. As we told you, the topographical data indicated unstable ground and brittle rock, making any land expedition dangerous. Add to that the fact that the ship was booby-trapped and you get a Cardassian ship in pieces and a crew that narrowly escaped death."

The Admiral tried to hide his frustration. Jim could read it perfectly on his face.

« **You've wasted an invaluable opportunity for us to get information about the Cardassian Empire! I hope you didn't leave any trace of your passage. You disappoint me, Captain Kirk. You don't deserve the praise Christopher had for you.** »

Jim received the spade in his heart, but he didn't let it get him down in front of her. It was out of the question.

"With all due respect, Admiral Na'er, I'm not a miracle worker. I followed your orders, despite the fact that you endangered the lives of my men. You ignored the risks, now here are the consequences."

The brunette gave him a black look.

« **Your insolence is matched only by your incompetence.** »

Jim clenched his teeth before opening his mouth to answer a scathing reply when the intercom in his quarters rang. Jim turned his head towards the door for a moment before turning his attention to the Admiral.

"I have to end our charming discussion, Admiral. I will send you a detailed report of the mission."

« **I'll be sure to report your failure to Starfleet High Command.** »

Jim smiled his most beautiful, impudent smile at her.

"Good, I was just about to send them the mission report as well. Good evening, Admiral. "

The communication broke down without him even making a gesture. Jim let out his anger by sweeping his table with a wave of his arm.

"What a bitch! "

The chess board flew away. He pinched his forehead and the doorbell rang again. He tried to calm his breathing before going to the door and opening it.

"Captain. "

Jim smiled a big smile, spontaneously happy to see a face he liked.

"Spock! Your sense of timing just saved my ass, you have no idea! Is there a problem? "

Spock tilted his head slightly to the side. Jim guessed his question even before the words of the Vulcan came out of his mouth:

"I came to ask about you. Did your interview with the Admiral go badly? "

Jim shrugged his shoulders.

"Let's just say I've heard worse. This woman forgets that respect goes both ways, even if my rank is lower than hers. "

The braiding of one of Spock's eyebrows indicated his slight amusement.

"For your part, I find this rather... ironic. "

Jim couldn't help smiling.

"It's true, I'll give you that. "

Spock continued:

"Would you like us to resume tonight the chess game we began three days ago? "

Jim closed his eyes, passing a hand on the back of his neck. The game they had started just before this unexpected mission to the planetoid. The game he had just sent less than two minutes before.

"Uh... I accidentally knocked the set over. Shall we do another one tonight? "

Spock nodded.

"With pleasure. "

Jim smiled at him and Spock turned to leave when he stopped.

" « Accidentally », Captain? "

Jim had a delay before responding.

"Yes, well, you know what I mean! See you later. "

He closed the door before Spock could add anything. To prevent Jim from exposing his misbehavior any further. He didn't need to be lectured again. Not today.

He glanced at the chessboard and all the pieces turned over. He forced himself to pick it all up and put the pieces back on the table in a hurry, eager to get it over with. He still had a lot of work to do and he didn't want it to take up his whole evening. Not tonight.

He almost forgot that Spock was due to arrive. When the intercom in his quarters rang again, Jim decided it was time to stop. He went to open the door for Spock, who naturally settled into his usual place when they were playing.

"I assume you're not drinking with me? "

Jim showed Spock the bottle of whiskey he had in his hands. Spock shook his head negatively.

"Water will do, Captain. Thank you. "

Jim had anticipated and brought the two glasses to the table as Spock placed the coins on the trays. Jim found an apple right in front of his seat.

"I brought this back to you. Not feeding you would slow down your recovery time. "

The Captain smiled a grateful smile at him. He always found that kind of touching gesture from the Vulcan.

They then began their chess game, in silence, as usual. At the same time, Jim ate his apple under the watchful eye of his commander. Since the beginning of the trip, they regularly met in each other's quarters at night to spend evenings like this. Sometimes they would play in the officers' lounge, but they were used as a show for passers-by and that could sometimes annoy them.

So the time they spent in private in their quarters was a privilege they gave each other. Sometimes, instead of chess, Jim would come and listen to Spock play the Vulcan lute, and other times they would discuss earthly literature. Jim loved those relaxing moments he spent with Spock and it meant a lot to him. These were times when Spock wasn't lecturing him or constantly reminding him of Starfleet rules. Especially since, with a few exceptions, he knew those rules very well. He just ignored them.

Jim turned his attention back to the game and moved one of his knights, and then scanned Spock. When they were facing each other, he could take the time to analyze each micro-expression of his mate, determine what each raised eyebrow was due to, what a change of gaze might mean, or a tilt of the head. Over time, he had learned to read a little in Spock, which sometimes slackened in his presence. This made Jim happy, given Spock's emphasis on logic and reason in the face of his human emotions.

He was deeply admiring it. Spock had to maintain constant control over his emotions and human intuitions. A control that could prove to be dangerous if it was ever broken. It was this kind of control that he sometimes lacked, and that had been lacking in his early days as a captain. He had bitterly learned the lesson and despite that, he was unable to make progress in that area. He acted impulsively, following his instincts.

He thought about the evolution of his relationship with Spock. Even though the relationship was not going well and they were completely opposite, they were an effective duo. Perhaps one day, if Jim could be better and act more thoughtfully, he and Spock would be an even more effective duo. Maybe one day this image of an immature, impulsive captain would stop following him, and he would be more respected by his peers. A difficult thing with the course he's had so far. Somehow, his crew had been the only one to change their opinion of him.

Jim drank part of his drink, realizing something he had never done before. He had always been ashamed of it, and tonight he needed to get it out.

"I've never apologized to you, Spock. From what I was able to tell you a few years ago, after... after Vulcan. "

He drank another part of his drink. Spock had a slight tic of surprise before answering.

"No need to apologize for that, Captain. I realized later that the purpose of your maneuver was to weaken me emotionally in order to regain a command that, in any case, was rightfully yours. I never held this against you. "

Jim nodded.

"I know, but... I never told you that. "

Spock focused all his attention on himself and Jim tried to escape his gaze by concentrating on the set.

"You didn't have to. Why now, Jim? "

He shrugged his shoulders. Maybe it was to take some weight off his conscience. To feel a little better. Because he was thinking about it, and it had to come out. Jim played a pawn without answering. Spock immediately followed up with the move of his rook. Jim grabbed his glass to finish it.

"Does your change in behavior have anything to do with last year's events concerning Khan Noonien Singh? "

Jim almost spit out his whisky as he was so surprised by the question. He put his glass down, watching Spock. His heart had missed a beat, and somehow he felt his panic rising. He hardly swallowed his whisky, trying to keep his head as he took his rider to play it. He smiled a smile as a reflex before answering:

"What change? "

He knew that playing ostrich would not work against Spock, but he had tried it in panic. He swallowed, knowing that he was totally toast. To his face, the Vulcan replied very analytically.

"In the last few weeks your behavior has changed. You are reducing your social relationships, you are more introverted: less laughter, smiles, tactile exchanges. You apologize more to others, you are more concerned, you sleep less. Your isolation is a significant trait to sadness and you only adopt this withdrawal into yourself as your birthday approaches, a date also reminiscent of your father's death. Since Captain Pike died exactly one year ago on a stellar date, I concluded that these events were the reason for your attitude. I can illustrate all my remarks with numbers if you wish. "

Spock moved his piece just after Jim's move. His bishop took the blond man's knight. Jim clenched his jaw without answering.

His birthday had never been a happy event, because his father had died that day. And his absence had been all the more present over the years. Pike had been there to serve as his second father figure and had filled the void that Jim had always felt. Then he had died, and... and in his quest for revenge, part of his crew had been swept away as well.

He placed his bishop on the second tray. He had lost the smile on his face. In any case, his fake smiles had never fooled Spock. And he didn't have the strength to pretend in front of him.

"That's not a judgment, Jim. "

The blond man had a slight grin.

"I know, Spock. But... because of my impulsiveness, dozens of people have died. "

He closed his eyes, the echoes of their screams echoing through his head. Jim had been dreaming about it a lot lately and remembered things as if it had happened the day before.

"And you saved dozens of other lives, including mine. Remember, Captain, that your actions have saved many lives. "

Jim finished his drink and played.

"I also don't forget that it was my actions that put us in this most perilous situation. "

"You did the right thing. Otherwise, Starfleet High Command would not have entrusted you with the Enterprise after it was rebuilt and you would not have retained your rank. "

The Vulcan took his turn. Jim poured himself another drink but added nothing more. He didn't want to go into it, and Spock seemed to understand that. Jim couldn't talk about it any more than that. It was still too recent. Too painful. Too present.

He drank a little and played his turn. He got distracted by his thoughts and turned his attention back to the boards to tighten up his strategy. Spock had played well and had intertwined several traps, assuring him of multiple victories depending on the moves Jim would make. He had to be cautious and consider them to counter everything. Spock's move would tell him what he would have to do. The most optimal move was to move the queen to the intermediate board. Spock moved his bishop.

Jim tried to keep his head down in the face of this move. No matter how he turned the thing in his head, the queen would have been the best choice. At best, Spock would have won in four moves. At worst, he would have won in seven. Moving the bishop... that would have kept him from winning. What was that move by Spock?!

He moved his own queen. Spock was being more lenient with him, to what, preserve his ego? He'd never done that before. How was he to consider Spock's maneuver? Spock moved his queen to the center of the stage. A late move. Perhaps Spock was distracted. Jim was tying his head in knots for nothing. He sighed, tilting his king.

"Sorry, I admit defeat. I'm too tired to go on tonight. "

He wasn't lying. He felt his fatigue and the desire to continue playing was gone. Spock stared at him for a few seconds before nodding his head.

"In that case, I'll leave you to it. Good night, Jim. "

The blond man walked him to the door.

"Good night, Spock. "

He watched the Vulcan leave in the corridor before sighing his way home. He hoped his dark thoughts would soon go away. Little did he know that this would be his last serene evening for a long time to come.


	2. Nightmares

# Nightmares

* * *

Jim saw himself as if he was still in it. He felt again the sensation caused by the ship's gravity deficits, the nausea that gripped him as his guts turned inside out, the biting cold seeping through the gaps in the hull. The adrenaline did its job and kept all his senses alert.

He ran through his ship, heading towards the reactor, trying not to be distracted by his crew members screaming as they fell from the decks, overcome by fear and pain. He had to get to the reactor as quickly as possible, he had to save those who could still be saved. There were more than a hundred people who were still counting on him, on some kind of help, on the arrival of a miracle that would stop the fall of the Enterprise on Earth. This miracle had to happen. He and Scotty had to get the reactor going again.

His heart was beating so hard that he thought that with every step he took, his heart was going to come out of his chest. The veins in his temples pulsed as panic invaded every part of his being. Only adrenaline was able to keep him seemingly calm and keep him focused on every movement he made.

He continued his run with Scotty, ignoring the crew's cries as the escape pods detached from their docking rails, destroying any escape from the ship. The situation was critical and he knew it. He was ready to do anything to save his crew.

Jim watched Scotty panic as he activated on the control panel. He could hear Scotty's voice clearly explaining the problem with the switches, and... And Jim had made a choice.

In the urgency of the situation, he had to try everything. Absolutly everything. His crew was counting on him. He had to find a way to restart the reactor. There was no way the Enterprise would crash.

Jim rushed to the reactor entrance. If he was able to get the switches back in line... They would all have a chance of survival. Spock, Scotty, Bones and the others. He could see Scotty trying to stop it again. He would visualize that moment when he realized that if he went, he would not come back. He remembered making a choice. The choice to go in.

He could still feel the heat on his skin when he entered the room to access the Jefferies tube leading to the reactor. The air was burning his throat, his eyes, but he was moving forward in spite of the pain. His suffering was of no importance compared to that of his men. They had entrusted their lives to him, and he was responsible for them.

He could see the reactor at the end of the tube. He quickly spotted the problem and did his best to get there. The machine was so big in front of him. Climbing it had been hard, the heat was overwhelming and the ship continued to fall. Jim remembered having tears in his eyes when he attacked the switches. Because he knew he was already irradiated.

Putting the switches back in place was probably one of the hardest things he ever did in his life because of the unbearable pain and heat. He was getting out of breath, he was in pain, his whole body wanted to give up as he tried harder. Jim was screaming. Because he had to succeed, he had no right to fail.

He saw that beautiful light again when the switches were aligned again and he felt the immense pain of the shock when it was thrown. But it didn't matter. He had managed to restart the reactor. He needed to know if the crew was okay.

He could feel the heat, the pain as he crawled through the tunnel to reach the airlock. He had felt the sudden deceleration of the ship and knew that Spock had succeeded. It was that victory that motivated him to advance to the airlock. He had to close the door to allow the radiation to be contained. He suffocated, advancing despite everything, and after an interminable struggle, he was finally able to close the door of the reactor airlock.

Jim saw Scotty's face behind the door again. That closed expression that was trying to contain his emotions. Jim knew his fate. He knew he was only a few minutes away. The pain was all over his body, his muscles, his stomach, his chest, his head.

He could see Spock clearly again, his pain on his face as he stood up to him. Jim was happy to see Spock. Happy to have been able to see him before he died. Every breath in, every breath out was difficult and painful for him. Jim couldn't stop crying, even more so when Spock told him they were out of danger.

That was all he had wanted to hear. No one was going to die anymore. They had both managed to protect the rest of the crew. Jim was so relieved. And as he felt serene despite the pain, Spock's face revealed his grief. It was so obvious on his face, that when Jim saw the tears in his eyes, he felt honored. Spock was releasing his emotions for him.

Then his nerves broke down and he was unable to hold his emotions back, feeling his fear of death. Jim had made this choice, but it terrified him more than anything else. This anguish, this fear of emptiness, of the dark, of nothingness... And Spock who was unable to repress his emotions. It was like a gift. An honor. If only he had had more time.

Jim felt overwhelmed by the darkness, by the cold, but he wanted to stay a little longer with Spock, he wanted to fight, to fight so that he understood the attachment he had for him. Jim had thought that with Spock, they really had formed an incredible duo. They were great partners. Jim was full of regrets, but Spock was there. He had stayed there until the pain was over, until he was in the dark, until he was in the cold. Immersed in a cold, space-like nothingness, Jim had died in terrible pain.

* * *

Jim woke up with a start, panicked and soaked in sweat. Anxiety still gripped his chest as tears streamed down his cheeks. He was running out of air. The images were too sharp in his head for him to regain control of his emotions. The memory had been vivid and Jim could still feel the effects on him.

It took several minutes for him to calm down, shaken by Spock's expression anchored in his memory. It was the first time that this scene was so clear in his mind. It was also the first time it had ever had such an effect on him. He wished he'd never remembered it.

He sat in bed for a few minutes before deciding to take a shower. His skin was sticky and he needed to feel the water on his body to get his thoughts straight and clear his mind of that image of Spock. It was a lost cause. The memory was too clear and far too real to go away that easily. Jim was more than disturbed by all he had just experienced.

He decided to get ready to take his shift a few hours early. Since Spock wasn't on duty yet, he would get a head start. He took the time to have coffee in his quarters and check the news on his PADD, as he always did when he had time. The list was long and he always had something to do.

While checking the night reports, Jim watched the time until his shift came and still found a way to be slightly late. Coming out with his PADD in hand, he continued to look at the digital object as he made his way to the turbolift. He went through the restoration room, picked up a protein bar on the way, and then continued on his way through the corridors, still reading his PADD.

The reports told him of the Enterprise's trajectory and their entry into a fairly dense nebula that had caused them to change course. They would come out of distortion to take pictures, collect data and analyze the nebula to determine whether or not it was explorable. If not, Kirk would give the order to leave.

He checked his email. Usual notifications, no more surprises, a few unread messages and... and one with no sender's name. It caught Jim's attention, and he knew it was impossible. All the messages had to have a sender. He opened the message.

His heart missed a beat, and a hot flush suddenly seized him. A file was attached to the message, and it contained a list of all the missing persons on board the ship a year earlier. There were their names, photos from their files, their ages and their assignments. Some of them were young. So young. Dead on board, under his command. Under his responsibility.

His chest tightened as he was overcome by a wave of remorse. He thought about everything he had done, all the decisions he had made. What a damn selfish bastard. If he hadn't defied Marcus, if he could have convinced him to leave his crew, if only he hadn't listened to Khan, or if he hadn't wanted to rush headlong into revenge for Pike's death, if only he hadn't violated the first directive... If only... If only he had been thinking all this time.

He bumped into someone head-on, barely turning around to apologize, trying to contain his emotions as much as he could when a message had just completely shaken him. A hand grabbed his arm, stopping him in his tracks.

"Captain? "

Spock. All that was missing was him. Jim turned around and didn't dare look him in the eye. The Vulcan let go off his arm.

"Something wrong? "

He could feel his inquisitive gaze on him. Jim had a feeling that if he didn't look up at his second-in-command, he wouldn't be convincing in his answer. He forced himself to look at him, staring at the fringe of his bowl haircut.

"No, I'm sorry, my mind is elsewhere. "

The images of his memory came to strike him. He saw Spock again, his face full of pain. It was this emotion that marked Spock's face in his nightmares. The face of pain. Because of him. Spock had lost control of his emotions because he had suffered watching him die. The thought turned his stomach. How many other people had suffered so much because of him?

Jim was unable to stay longer in Spock's presence without drawing his attention even more. He smiled before he turned his heels and climbed into the first turbolift he came across and then rushed into the hallways. He had quickly left his mailbox and stopped on the way to take another cup of coffee on the gangway. He needed it. Black coffee.

Sitting in his captain's chair, Jim had put his cup on in a few minutes. He would have had another if he wasn't in the middle of his watch. These messages preoccupied him much of the time when he wasn't giving orders. He had to pull himself together before the rest of his deck crew realized that something was wrong.

"Mr. Sulu, how long will it take us to reach the edge of the nebula? "

Sulu turned to him to answer.

"In a few minutes, Captain. We're in the Beta Quadrant, near the Neutral Zone. We are still in federated territory. "

Kirk nodded.

"Good, then watch the screens, I don't want any unpleasant surprises. "

Jim looked at the huge glass in front of them. The projected screen had been removed to make way for the view of the space. A few minutes later, the Enterprise entered the huge gas cloud. The whole crew watched their entry into the cloud, fascinated. Jim thought the nebula was beautiful. The shades of blue and yellow blended into darker hues, bringing out the color contrast.

It seemed so dense, so thick and motionless that it looked like it was consistent. He recorded the images in his memory and considered it to be one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen, after the slow implosion of a planet or the exploration of a totally pink world. Jim forced himself out of his contemplation.

"Reduce the pace to light speed, Mr. Sulu. Scan the area, take pictures. If the conditions are favorable, we'll venture deeper inside. " He paused, turning to Uhura. "Are there any traces of Romulans in the area? "

"There is no indication of their presence on the frequencies, Captain. "

"Or on the screens," Chekov indicated.

Jim was thinking. They weren't in danger, the area they were in was allied, and yet he had a bad feeling about it. Maybe it was because of those damn messages. It reminded him that his haste had already caused too much damage. He couldn't make any more mistakes like that.

"Stay alert, we never know. "

It was going to be a long day. He allowed himself to get another cup of coffee before taking his seat. He resumed his PADD and checked his mailbox again. He was concerned about this anonymous message and Jim couldn't understand how such a thing was possible. He looked at the message again. It was sent internally, but the author's name was encrypted. How was this possible?! You would have had to hack the Enterprise communication software for that.

Kirk clenched his jaw and squeezed his hand on the armrest of his chair. He hoped that sending the message was just a bad joke, or the fruit of a passing grudge. He really hoped so. Because if this story were to spread and go any further, it wouldn't do any good. For him and for the author of this message.

He took the time to update the captain's written logbook, tracing the course of the USS Enterprise's exploration mission. He consulted the last returns that were made to him, on the small problems with the machinery or the requests made by the crew, the last events that they organized on board in order to add a little more life. In fact, maybe he should consider stopping at a Starfleet base before leaving the Quadrant. So that his crew can see their families before they leave.

"Captain! You owe me a consultation, please follow me. "

Kirk was startled in his chair, both surprised to hear McCoy behind him and surprised in the way he spoke to him. Too formal. Then he bumped into him.

"What, _now_?! Can't it wait until the end of my shift? "

Bones folded his arms.

"No, your doctor's orders! "

And without further ado, Jim was pulled into the turbolift by the doctor, who grabbed his arm firmly.

"Bones, I can't leave my place like this," Jim protested, trying to get out of the way.

"Usually you don't mind. And then I made a deal with the green-blooded goblin. "

Jim thought he didn't hear right.

"You did what?! "

Bones sighed and walked past as the doors opened. Jim followed him closely, wanting more information, but he was silenced by the doctor. It wasn't until they were alone in the infirmary, one armed with his tricorder and the other sitting on a bed that the answer came:

"We're worried about you, Jim. And when I say « we », it's not just Spock and me. It's Sulu, Uhura, Chekov, Scotty, ... You're exhausted, Jim. Physically you are and mentally it seems to follow. You're a Ferrarri trying to beat the speed record with all four wheels punctured and the handbrake! "

Jim swept Bones' remarks aside with a wave of his hand.

"Well, if you're so worried about it, I'll go and rest at the end of my shift. Satisfied? "

McCoy shook his head.

"It's for several days, Jim. I'm taking you off, just until you stabilize and you're in better shape. Until you do, you're not going back on the job. "

Jim's anger mounted so quickly that he was unable to contain it. He jumped up and walked away from Bones.

"You can't be serious! Damn it Bones, I'm fine! "

He approached with his PADD in hand, showing curves and numbers. Jim didn't need medical knowledge to know what his friend wanted to show him. Much of the data was in red and in the negative.

"I'm doing this for your own good," Bones insisted.

Jim was furious. He clenched his teeth as he left the infirmary, trying to suppress what he was feeling so that he would look okay until the last few yards from his quarters. He didn't go back over the bridge. If he came across Spock's pointed ears again soon, he would make him eat them.

Jim was really angry. He felt betrayed by his friends, seeing their action as a gesture to remove him from command of his ship. A command that was very important to him. Seeing his first officer and his chief medical officer deprived him of it was heartbreaking. They were his closest friends, the only ones he could confide in, and they had just taken away his command of the Enterprise. They no longer believed in his ability to lead his ship. The worst part of the whole story was that this was the second time it had happened to him. Twice because of Spock. What a jerk he was to get screwed again.

He spent the rest of the day cooped up in his cabin, pestering every report he received from his first commander. His first reaction would have been to ignore them all, but he had to stay professional and keep the role he had, that of captain. He still had to show that he was capable of that role, even though Spock's rigor and thoroughness in his reports was far better than his own. However, Spock's impartiality remained an asset. In a way, Jim admired him and was jealous of him.

He was pulled from his thoughts by the arrival of a message. Again, the sender was unknown. Jim's heart was tightened. He hesitated to open it for a few seconds, thinking back to the content of the other similar message read in the morning. His curiosity overcame his fear. He opened the message, which contained several files. He opened the first one. A picture. It represented what looked like an Andorian family: a man and a woman and two children, all with blue skin and fair hair. The Andorian woman, whom Jim found very pretty, was wearing the red Starfleet uniform. The next image was in the same style. A group of Starfleet cadets celebrating, some of whose faces Jim recognized as those of the missing. The rest was similar, but that didn't stop the Captain from looking through all the files, a ball of remorse pulling his guts out.

When he had finished consulting everything, he put a few minutes to silence his emotions. He had to act in a more reasoned manner. What a pity that he was not Vulcan. He closed his eyes, trying to calm his breathing. Good. Someone aboard the ship seemed to be blaming him several times, exactly one year after the incident at Starfleet HQ and the confrontation with Khan. While these accusations were well-founded, the manner in which it was done was clearly illegal. In order to prevent the sender from being displayed, the Enterprise system had to be bypassed. Jim had never tried to hack into a ship's communications network, and he wondered how it could have been done.

Suddenly, an idea popped into his head, and he couldn't reason with himself: it was decided that he was going to use his days off to hack the system. If he knew how his sender had succeeded, he could refine his search and find his identity. That way, he and Jim could talk face-to-face about exactly what he wanted from him by sending these messages. He was ready to hear the blame and suffer the person's anger because he understood him. Because he deserved it. He wasn't going to destroy another life by postponing the incident.

There was a knock at his door. Jim got up to answer, still thinking about how he was going to do it.

"Captain!" Sulu exclaimed to his face. "We're glad to see you're okay. Since you didn't come back after your visit to the infirmary... "

"We wanted to know if you wanted to join us in the dining hall for dinner," Uhura added.

Jim raised an eyebrow and looked at his watch. He hadn't really eaten all day, and now that he thought about it, he was a little hungry. He hesitated for a moment before answering; he didn't want to see Spock or Bones, he was still angry with them.

"Who's going to be there? "

Surprised by the question, the two people he was talking to looked at each other.

"Scotty and us. Spock is still studying the nebula data with Dr. Marcus, Chekov is having dinner with a girl tonight, and we don't know what Dr. McCoy is doing. "

Jim had a big smile on his face.

"I'm following you! "

A few minutes later, Jim was sitting next to Scotty and across from Uhura. He was in a good mood again, the discussion revolving around Chekov and his potential future conquest. Who would have thought that this dear Russian was so successful with women? This time he seemed to have set his sights on a really charming little denobulan, his long wavy blond hair cascading down his back. The edges of his face emphasized his cheekbones without exaggerating them too much. Pavel had decidedly good taste in terms of women. And Denobulans had their reputation too.

"She's going to eat him alive!" Jim laughed as he looked at the little couple.

"It'll be a change from Meluria, what a dork," Uhura pessimished with a nasty look.

Sulu pouffa before answering in a teasing tone:

"You're saying that because she tried to hit on Spock when you were still together! "

Kirk didn't have time to be surprised by this information that Scotty intervened:

"You're not together anymore? "

Uhura laughed back:

"For a while now Scotty, you've been getting up to date! It was an obvious way out, we never managed to tune our violins. But since then everything has been fine, I reassure you! "

"And yet greenbloods are known to have a heart as hard as stone! "

Jim turned his head to Bones, who arrived with a tray. He sat down next to Uhura. The blond man gave him a deep black look. The young lieutenant did not notice him.

"You'd be curious to see how wrong that is," Uhura winked teasingly.

As everyone laughed, Jim and Bones exchanged glances. Jim was angry. Bones was embarrassed.

"By the way, Captain, why didn't you go back to your watch if you're all right," asked Scotty.

Jim tensed up. He turned to Bones, who shrugged his shoulders, having no idea what he could answer without worrying the crew.

"The Captain has other priorities to attend to, so I'm in charge of replacing him. "

As everyone turned to the Vulcan to greet him, Jim clenched his fists and forced himself to smile and nod. He stood up and vacated his seat, with some people looking on in amazement.

"Besides, duty calls me. Good evening to all! "

And with these words, he sped off, feeling the looks on his back. He left the mess and preferred to wander through the corridors of the Enterprise to relax before returning to his cabin. He had to calm down. He was on edge right now, but that was no reason to explode in public. He was the Captain, he had to set an example. What an example he was setting...

He wandered through the lower decks, where the neighborhoods and recreation and leisure areas were located. For such a long mission, the ship was specially equipped. It passed in front of the sports halls, refectories, recreation rooms, library, ...

Jim entered out of curiosity, browsing the richly diverse shelves, curious to see what kind of books he might find. He was happy that his ship still had paper books, as digital had long since found a place in their world. But while the inhabitants of the Earth had evolved a lot in terms of technology over the last few centuries, the benefits of reading a book had remained significant and still prevailed over digital media.

He consulted a few books, curious about some of the topics discussed. There were books for entertainment, others historical, other documentaries. He even found one on comparative studies of Romulans and Vulcans. But it was after a dozen yawns that he decided to return to his quarters.

Bones was right, somewhere. He was tired. He wandered through the ship, taking his time on the way home. He greeted the crew he passed, some faces more familiar than others. He passed Carol, who was talking to an ensign in charge of operations, recognizable by her red uniform. He greeted them with a wave of his hand, not wanting to interrupt their conversation. Then he arrived in his hallway, heading straight for his quarters... and ran into Spock.

The pointy-eared man was standing at his door, ready to leave when he saw Jim coming. The captain lost his usual friendly demeanor to give a firm greeting to his officer.

"Commander Spock. "

"Captain Kirk. "

The first officer moved off to let his superior officer pass. Jim dialed his keypad to open his door. He had intended to plant Spock in front of his door, but when he entered, the Vulcan followed him uninvited. His action surprised Jim for a second. He sighed with weariness, not wanting to engage in a conversation with an inflexible man. But Spock couldn't have come for nothing. There had to be something.

The blond waited for his second in command to speak while he tidied up his cabin a little. He took off his yellow jersey to keep only his black T-shirt underneath. He then took off his shoes and, thus more comfortable, he turned his attention to his silent visitor.

"You had something to tell me, didn't you? "

Spock, who had followed him all the way, seemed to think before he started.

"That's not important. Perhaps I'd better tell you about it tomorrow. "

"Just do that," Jim replied tack-to-tackle.

As Spock was about to leave, he stopped, staring at Jim again.

"I sense anger in you. "

"Is that a question or a statement? "

Spock tilted his head slightly to the side.

"A statement. May I know why? If you don't think it's inappropriate. "

Jim saw red in a second. He stood up, covering the distance between them. He was close to throwing him out.

"What do you think, Spock? I'll point you in the right direction: I just saw my ship's command being withdrawn by my Chief Medical Officer and Number One plotting behind my back. You don't feel any remorse, do you?! Am I so incompetent in your eyes? "

Jim held his gaze before remembering the last messages. Maybe Spock wasn't the only one who thought so. He stepped back and turned his back on him.

"Dr. McCoy and I were not plotting to take away your command. We were simply concerned about your condition. In no way was this intended to call into question your ability to command this mission. "

Jim ticked at the choice of words and turned to Spock.

"Concerned? That doesn't sound like you. It doesn't make sense. "

He was scanning the Vulcan, trying to analyze it.

"Nothing about you makes sense, Captain. However, I want you to know that your friendship is important to me, something I value very highly. "

Jim was caught off guard. It was really not Spock's habit to express himself in this way. His anger subsided. He was that pitiful to make Spock stoop that low? To cause such anxiety among those around him? Jim tried to put on a good face by sketching a smile.

"Well, I'm touched. But in the future Spock, if you really care about this friendship, don't do this to me again. It's... hurtful. Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I have some rest to take. "

Spock nodded. He turned to the door and opened it.

"Good night, Jim. "

"Good night, Spock. "

Then the door closed to leave Jim alone to face his thoughts. He had to pull himself together. He had to show that he was capable of fulfilling his role as Captain. He looked out of the glass window at the vastness of space, at that beautiful nebula with such contrasting nuances. He loved space. He was born there. He couldn't let himself be beaten down. His gaze then fell on the PADD: there were other things he had to settle before he could resume his command.


End file.
